Self introspection

Felt like dwelling into a little personal space today. I am wrestling since morning with myself on whether to write this piece or abstain from it. But just felt like starting to scribble things down and see what shape it takes.

The crux of my thoughts today is what makes me act in a particular way, in a particular situation. What decides my specific response to a particular stimulus and why only that very response? I am focusing on my thoughts, my actions and myself alone because I can talk with authority only on myself. I do-not wish to generalize anything, for that, in my eyes is the single-most prominent error that is made with such care freeness that it isn’t even registered as an error. To my mind, every person and every situation is unique and no “One size fits all” rule is applicable under any circumstance whatsoever. Anyway, not digressing any further, I am only putting my thoughts on paper, just as they are flowing in my mind at this moment, with the motive that it might help me in knowing myself better and help you in the moments of your own self-introspection.

What prompted me to walk down this road today has no bearing on anything, so I would just skip that part. In any case, I am a frequent traveler on this path and not a major provocation is required to push me down this road. Of how much I have been able to observe myself till now, I have found that in any situation that confronts me, I more often than not am aware of what I should be doing in that situation, according to my conception of right and wrong. But I am somehow not able to follow what I think is the right path, all the time. That moment, that situation is somehow able to overpower me and mould my behavior. Once out of it, I own up to myself of every such fall, make a mental note of it, sometimes a written one, and promise myself to better myself in the future. I am still not sure whether I regret things or not, because each and every moment that I have lived has been chosen by me to be lived in that manner and I am not sure if I would do (or actually be able to do) anything different if given a chance to live a moment all over again. What I am good at though, is maintaining my balance-sheet meticulously. I am well aware of my credits and debits, not the net balance though, because I am not able to assign a weight to each credit and debit entry.

All of the above is my story and has nothing to offer you for spending your precious time in reading it. But based on my experiences and my journey of self-introspection till now, there is something that I would like to share with you, which you might find useful at some point in your life. Firstly, it takes a lot of courage to even allow oneself to tread down this path because you find yourself face to face with truths, facts and realities that might not always be pleasant. If you are able to brave the initial storm, you might find your perception of yourself undergoing a change. You might find many of your notions changing. You might end up acknowledging many things, if not to the world, to yourself at least. The key at this stage is not to get bogged down and overwhelmed by what you see or feel but to continue moving ahead, however impossible it may seem. Further down the road, you will find a mirror which shows a much clearer and radiant image of you. Every time you undergo this churning, you are bound to emerge with a more resplendent glow than last time. And finally, there will come a day when you will have outgrown the need to enter this tunnel again, the dawn of your FREEDOM.